


and it ends how you'd expect

by asexualizing (Specialcookies)



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Ableist Language, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2018-02-26 21:39:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2667248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Specialcookies/pseuds/asexualizing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rick Macy, his father’s son.</p>
<p>Rick Macy, made for greatness.</p>
<p>Rick Macy, family man.</p>
<p>Rick Macy, soldier.</p>
<p>Rick Macy, a faggot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and it ends how you'd expect

**Author's Note:**

> so this had been floating in my mind since i finished season 1, and i have finally managed to put it into actual readable words. it's probably yael and lee's fault since they've asked me to write about rick, so. I owe a lot to [lee](http://trumpsofdoom.tumblr.com/), as always <3
> 
> the title is from the song Gethsamne by Dry The River, which is also the qouted song at the top.

**It started with the moon**  
 **that turned an inexpensive room into St. Peter's**  
 **There's a parabolic story but it's boring**  
 **and it ends how you'd expect.**

_\- Gethsamne, Dry The River_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick Macy, central midfielder with the body of a defender and an area presence of a striker, free kicks like clean bombs and tackles akin to an expert in circumventing hostile activities, a slight tendency towards revile, a slight tendency towards euphoria, team spirit, battle spirit.

Rick Macy, one of the lads, a professional drinker, rascal, a hell of a bloke.

Rick Macy, his father’s son.

Rick Macy, made for greatness.

Rick Macy, family man.

Rick Macy, soldier.

“Rick Macy!”

“Present.”

Kieren Walker spends maths class turning functions into pieces of art at which Rick can only look with a head tipped to the side and comment that this one looks like the forests of Scotland, and that one is probably what the Bible talked about when it said ‘chaos’.

Kieren Walker bites on the tip of his pen, drums his fingers on the table, and then writes under that same function:

_“Rick, Brain”_  
 _Kieren Walker_  
 _2005_  
 _Pen over paper_

Rick bursts out in a laughter that gets him a piercing glare from the teacher, leans back in his chair with his fingers laced behind his head. “Ren’s funny, miss. ‘S a problem.”

He winks at Kieren. Kieren has a crooked smile that trembles at the edges.

For a moment he’s nothing.

The next moment the teacher has him moved to the front of the class.

Rick Macy, a faggot.

*  
He knows Kieren since he remembers himself, like a sort of birth mark that you have no idea where it came from, and you are told stories about it, and it is there, and it’s a fact, and you grow to love it in a way that you cannot explain to others who doesn’t bare this kind of mark.

His father knows Kieren as well, not in the same way.

Maybe that’s the problem.

“Remember when me dad took us to see Man U?” he asks Kieren over a third pour of whiskey.

Kieren chokes on rum and coke, but not in a bad way, not in the way that says – _you need to worn me before you bring up your dad_. “My parents were horrified when the idea came up.”

Rick smiles consequent of Kieren’s indulgence in nostalgia. “What choice did they have?”

Kieren smiles consequent of Rick’s smile. “We were insufferable back then.”

Rick cocks an eyebrow. “Back then?”

Kieren snorts, and rolls his eyes, but they have a spark in them that Rick can’t fathom.

There is silence for a bit, the kind that tightens the air around you, and then:

“It was the most pointless day of my life.”

This is the way in which Rick’s dad knows Kieren. This is the way in which he hates Kieren.

“Hey, don’t be like that,” Rick protests, honest for a second, and the next second maybe not so much. “I’m sure you had worse in the last ten years.”

“No no, that one’s still at the top of the list.” Kieren can be a right git when he wants to.

“But you see,” Rick leans closer, drawn by the influence of the alcohol and the force of Kieren Walker’s gravity. “I still remember how you looked at me. I thought you shone back then. Now I know you simply love me.”

Kieren’s breathe hitches by the influence of Rick Macy alone.

He remembers their first kiss just how he remembers the smell of grass, and the chants of the fans, and the lively red.

Maybe that is the problem.

*  
Rick just wants everything to be _alright._

So Vickie is a compromise. She makes the heel of his dad’s boot stay foot on the ground. She makes Rick believe there’s a chance that – 

Here’s the difference between them:

Rick is the kind that has expectations and hopes stacked upon his shoulders passively. Kieren’s the kind that creates them himself, for himself.

So Vickie is a compromise.

Kieren’s art studies are not.

Banning Kieren from his home is a compromise.

Rick’s deployment is not.

*  
The thing is, Rick knows that Kieren’s hurting, because Kieren’s not the type to shut up about it, or control his body regarding anything that has to do with emotions.

The thing is, it bothers Rick, so he doesn’t want to think about it.

The thing is, if his father knew that Kieren can stand up for himself maybe they wouldn’t be here to begin with.

The thing is, Rick should not think about it.

So the only thing he can do is make sure that nobody else hurts Kieren, and maybe that’ll be enough of a penance. 

‘Cause Kieren can stand up for himself only when he cares enough to, and Rick doesn’t like the fact that he doesn’t care enough to.

But that’s a compromise as well.

*  
He doesn’t remember dying; only coming back to life.

*  
He’s a soldier that was assumed dead.

He’s here by his own right.

He’s not crazy, or unforgivable, or filth, or – 

*  
Rick Macy, the talk of the town.

Rick Macy, a war hero.

Rick Macy, his father’s son.

Rick Macy, mother’s boy.

Rick Macy, it’s good to have you back.

Rick Macy, under fault that –

*  
It isn’t fair.

It isn’t right.

*  
Kieren always confused Rick.

That is to say, Rick was always confident _of_ him – confident of how important he is, confident of how talented he is, confident of how rare he is, confident of how much he means to him, of how beautiful he is and how much he loves him and – 

But Kieren always confused Rick.

*  
Maybe it’s a total shut down.

Maybe Rick’s shoulders weren’t strong enough.

*  
Rick had always looked at himself through bogus mirrors: the ones that skew your shape and features, the ones from the mirror labyrinth at the carnival. Those that fool you on your way out, placed in malice and get you thinking ‘bout nights of being too drunk and delusions and memory loss.

He gets sick of those things now, throws right up.

He can’t drink or eat or lie anymore.

He’s not sure what the truth is, but he can’t stretch his hands up front so he won’t walk head first into glass on the wrong turn.

Kieren is one of them, and Rick is one with Kieren.

And Kieren Walker is nothing to be ashamed of.

*  
And he didn’t want to hate his dad but he knows.

He knows, he knows, he knows – 

That maybe he doesn’t have to.

Maybe –

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a word if you liked this!
> 
> i have a [tumblr](http://asexualizing.tumblr.com/) if you want.


End file.
